Missing Milestones

As the 22nd of each month hits, I realize that we should be reaching new milestones with our lil Quinn, instead I’m remind each month on this day just how long it’s been since I have held him in my arms and kissed his sweet cheeks. Some days are beyond hard…some days are easier, but here is never a day that goes by that I don’t think about our precious angel and how much I miss him. A few weeks ago, Tavyn lifted up Quinn’s blanket that is laying in his bassinet that I haven’t been able to put away. He said “Quinn’s not here, where is Quinn at Mommy?” Broke my heart, but made my heart happy at the same time. You are forever in our hearts and in our thoughts Quinn. We love and miss you more than words can ever describe. 💙💙💙

Miss you so much

I can’t even believe it’s been three months today….I think about him every day and wonder what he would look like at 3 months old….he looked so much like Tavyn did when he was born, except for his head full of dark hair. I sure do miss you baby Quinn…thank you for being my precious son who has taught me so many amazing lessons in such a short amount of time…you’ve taught me true love knows no boundaries between heaven and earth..you’ve taught me how to choose kindness, happiness and joy over bitterness and anger above everything else…you’ve taught me how to be strong when I didn’t think it was possible..I love you Quinn. 😂💙💙💙

Every step of the way

No amount of time can ever prepare you for losing your baby. Even though we knew our outcome, even though we choose the path we were taking, there was no way in the world we could possibly be prepared for just how much our lives were going to change, for how much heartache we would experience, and continue to experience on a daily basis. There is no way to imagine how you can possibly begin to feel so blessed while experiencing such a tragedy. It seems impossible that it’s been a month ago that we held our angel baby, and that our kids held their brother…that our lives were touched in such a way that we will never be able to truly explain. I miss him so very much every single day…sometimes when I get that feeling that I’ve had the wind knocked out of me, so hard that I don’t know if I’m going to be able to catch my breath again, but I do…and I remember that he is with me every step of the way. I can feel him in my arms, and see his adorable chubby cheeks and the sweet peaceful smile that he had and I know that no matter how hard it maybe sometimes that we will be okay and that before I know it I will be seeing those lil cheeks again and will be holding him in my arms. I’ll see you soon Quinn, and until I do I will carry you in my heart and love you every step of the way!!

P.S. those are Quinn’s cute lil footprints on the poem

Forever in our hearts

Today we had a beautiful service for our baby boy Quinn. We are so blessed to be his parents and have been taught so many things with his short time with us. We also wanted to thank all of those who could attend…and know that those who couldn’t attend were with us in spirit through your many thoughts and prayers. This was such an emotional day for us but also a comforting one that will always remind us how truly blessed we are to have such amazing friends and family near and far. Also without being part of such an amazing neighborhood and ward we would have never been able to pull all of this together. The kind acts of service truly shows how humbling life can be. Let the healing from this loss begin.

Keep your head up little girl

Sundays have become a struggle for me…a weekly reminder of how long it has been since we lost our precious lil boy…and a day that I spend wondering if I could have done something different that day to change the outcome that day. This morning as I woke up wondering how it’s possibly been two weeks already and not wanting to face a day full of reliving the past two weeks, and dreading this coming week, this memory popped up on my Facebook. There are no words in the world that could possibly even come close to beginning to describe how much I miss these two. How do you lose your mom and 8 short months later lose your sweet little baby boy and somehow between those two losses, try and deal and cope with the rest of what life continues to throw your way?? These little reminders that I run across are a huge help…I am so thankful for the amazing mom I have been blessed with, and continue to be blessed with even though she is gone from this earthly life. I am so thankful for the example she has always been and continues to be for me…she always made sure to let my sister and I know how proud of us she was and we always made sure to let her know that we wouldn’t be half of who we are without her. Even though I would give anything to have her here, she makes sure to let me know how close she still is…in my hardest, darkest times, I can feel her arm around me, I can feel her holding my hand, and I can hear her saying, “keep your head up little girl”…some days I can even smell her. I close my eyes and I see her arms wrapped so tightly around my little boy. I can only hope and pray that I can be the example to my kids that my mom was, and continue to be to me. I love you Mom and I love you Quinn, I can’t even begin to tell you how much I miss you both…always stay close to me and I can’t wait to see you both again! ❤️❤️❤️

Talyssa asked me tonight if she could read for a little bit before bedtime. I told her sure…I expected to go downstairs and see her reading Diary of a Wimpy Kid or her latest baseball book she checked out from the library. This broke my heart. Quinn’s loss has effected everyone so much. The kids were so excited for another baby brother and have been heartbroken. We miss him so much.

Blessed

Blessed. 💙 This right here easily explain why the word blessed comes to mind. The past few days in between visitors and my family being at the hospital, as I have sat alone in the sometimes not so friendly quietness, I have pondered what one word I would pick to describe what I have been feeling. Believe me, there are a whole slew of them to pick from scared, sad, heartbroken, denial, lost, devastated, crushed….but the one word that I couldn’t shake from my head even though it sounded like the most inappropriate for the circumstances, is blessed.
This journey since January when we were given such heartbreaking news started out with so much doubt and uncertainty as to what the future would hold and if we were making the right decisions. I have to say that I am extremely blessed to have a wonderful husband by my side who has shared the same decisions with me. We both knew that we wanted to carry our precious son with us till the end so that we were able to spend that time with him and would never look back with regret or what-ifs. Sunday was scary when my water broke…we didn’t know what the outcome would be, and all I could think about was that I wasn’t ready to not have my lil guy so safe and close inside of me anymore. Add in the fact that it was two months early and that minutes after my water broke I started bleeding heavily and that didn’t stop until after the c section, it made for a super scary situation. Our story didn’t have the ending that we prayed and hoped so long and so hard for, but Jon and I both feel as if things happened the best possible. Our precious angel didn’t have to suffer, our family was able to spend time with him seeing him so beautiful and so peaceful. We were chosen and blessed to be the parents of such a sweet perfect angel. This lil guy has taught me more about strength, love and courage in a few short months than I have learned in my lifetime. My love for him and my family is completely indescribable…and I consider myself to be tremendously blessed. Mommy and Daddy love you so much precious angel baby Quinn and so do your sister and brothers!! I know that even though you aren’t with us physically, you will forever be by our sides every step of the way! Make sure to squeeze Grandma’s neck super tight and give her the biggest kiss you can for us! I’m so thankful that she was there waiting with her arms wide open for you my sweet son

So much love

On Sunday April 22nd my wife Cheryl and I went into the hospital around 9pm when her water broke moments before. Shortly after Cheryl received her epidural our baby’s heart rate dropped and they were rushed to the OR for an emergency c-section. Due to the extreme amount of amniotic fluid it caused an abruption during the process and his umbilical cord became completely disconnected causing his heart rate to plummet and breathing to stop. At 10:46pm our baby Charles Quinn Knabenschuh, was delivered weighing exactly 3lbs and was immediately rushed next door to the NICU where they were performing life saving measures through a suction mask to get him breathing again which unfortunately was unsuccessful and the next steps would have been chest compressions that could have been very traumatic for him and at that time I had to make the decision to stop those efforts so he would not suffer any longer. One of the most difficult things I have had to make in my life. We have been calling him by his middle name “Quinn”. He has been a blessing in every sense of the word and has taught us many things during and after this pregnancy.

Before delivery and during the c-section procedure Cheryl had an estimated blood loss of about 2 liters…the average person has about 5.5 liters so this was not good for Cheryl’s health and recovery. After she was given blood transfusions and given pain meds she has been doing so much better. She will be in the hospital for approximately 3-4 days depending on the progress of her health. We appreciate all the support we have received during this difficult time from close friends and family. Your thoughts, prayers and support have meant the world to us and allows us to continue with our grieving process so we can make arrangements for baby Quinn.

Incredibly blessed

This sweet lil precious baby has changed my life in ways that I could never have imagined. He has taught me how to find strength within myself that I NEVER would have believed I would be able to find. He has taught me to hold on to every single bit of hope and faith possible even after continuing to receive news that doesn’t look promising. He has taught me how to lean on others when I don’t feel like I have it in myself to make it through the day. He has helped restore my faith in humanity…the amount of love and support we have received and continue to receive even from complete strangers has been amazing. Sometimes it’s hard to understand the reasons why things happen the way they do, but one thing I do know is that we have without a doubt been so incredibly blessed to have been chosen to be the parents of this sweet son of ours. 💙💙💙